Creating a Better Me

One of the greatest things I have done for myself in the last few months has been to see a therapist! My mom has always said, "Everyone should see a therapist at some point in their life! It can only help you learn more about yourself." Like I say with so many other things, she was right.

I have always had a type A personality (overly organized, a perfectionist, want to be the best at everything). If I sign on to do something, I am going to dedicate all my time and energy into doing it, and doing it right. While I enjoy the rewards of working hard for something and seeing it all done, it is also extremely stressful. It's stressful to wonder what everyone else will think about me and the project I completed, it's stressful to worry over getting every little thing right, it's stressful to think of nothing else until it is done.

My therapist has taught me to let all these stresses and worries go. I practice this each day through 10 minutes of meditation, breathing in and out, clearing my mind of anything that enters it to focus only on my breath. When she first explained the premise of this exercise, I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical. She explained, that while I was meditating and letting thoughts and feelings go, my brain would actually develop new neural pathways that make this task easier each time I practice. This translates into real life when I come across something that I would normally obsess over (I didn't get something completed on time, someone complained about something I did at work, I overheard someone talking about me or my kids), but instead, I can take a deep breath and let these things go. After several months of practicing meditation (though I admit, I don't get to it every single day), I find myself letting things go all day long!! Deep breath when I realize the laundry isn't done (I used to actually swear at the washing machine), deep breath when I read an inflammatory post on Facebook, deep breath when someone cuts me off on the highway, deep breath when I hear something someone else said about me. This had made an enormous change in how I feel about myself and the world!!

I don't have to be the best at everything! No one cares if my cub scouts earn 15, instead of all 20, of the Webelos pins (I didn't realize how much stress I was putting on myself trying to make this happen until my therapist pointed this out! Only 8 pins are actually required for them to receive the Arrow of Light before crossing over to boy scouts). My Girl Scouts have a blast no matter how perfectly I plan a meeting because they love learning new things and hanging with their friends (I would actually lose sleep over something I forgot to point out during our meeting time). My kids could care less how often I washed their sheets or how clean our house was, they just remember how long I played with them and what book we read before bed.

I have learned a lot about myself and my relationships with others in these meetings with my therapist and I'm so grateful that I finally took my mom's advice. I would recommend therapy to ANYONE who is struggling, whether you are feeling overwhelmed with everything you have to get done in a day,  struggling in your marriage or other relationships, or feeling unappreciated at work or at home. Our society is not one to talk a lot about mental health (though a lot of changes have been on that front and I hope that continues to happen), yet it is an extremely important part of well being. We don't hesitate to go to the doctor when something affects us physically us, yet there is a still a stigma attached to seeking help  for our mental health.

While I can give a great deal of the credit to my therapist, I have also had some help from pharmacological intervention. My family is notorious for it's low seratonin levels. Last summer I took a break from my medications, thinking I was doing really well and didn't really need them anymore. Let me tell you (and my family would be right there to agree), that was a HUGE mistake. I was NOT a nice person. I yelled at my kids a lot. I yelled at my husband a lot. I even yelled at the dog a lot. I hated my job, I hated going places, I hated waking up in the morning, I hated going to bed at night, I cried over everything, I hated my life. Again, my mother reminded me that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and I would be a lot happier if I started taking my medicine again. (dang...she is right ALL THE TIME), but she had to tell me that about 7 times before I actually started listening to her (good thing she never gives up on me-no matter how crabby I am).

Six short months later and I am extremely satisfied with what I have: a fantastic husband who sacrifices a lot to make his family comfortable and happy, 3 unique and beautiful children who make my life better every day, 2 wonderful jobs that let me do what I'm good at and what I love, the most amazing extended family a girl could ever ask for, and a God that listens to my prayers and teaches me how to love other people. I am extremely blessed!

I know this is a lot of personal information to write about in a blog, but I also know that there are a lot of other people out there who struggle with the same things I do. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves in America: to do the best, to have the best, to be the best. While we can limit our exposure to some of that by canceling our cable subscriptions and surrounding ourselves with people who value the sames things we value, it is impossible to avoid all the pressures of daily life. I'm hoping that my experience might encourage someone else to take the steps needed to improve their own mental health. Whether it be through prayer, meditation, a therapist, talking with a good friend, or just eliminating some of the unnecessary stresses in their life... 'cause as the old saying goes...if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...and I wish my family hadn't had to find that out the hard way!

How my mind works...and works...and works....and works

I go into the kitchen to get a glass for ice water (a short break while trying to rearrange my kids' bedroom). There is only one clean glass in the cupboard, so I open the dishwasher. Dammit, they are clean. I put away the clean dishes and load the overflowing sink with the dirty ones. While I'm there, I rinse out the sink and wipe down the counters and cabinets (what is that orange stuff running down the front of the lower cabinet doors?) I take a glass and go over to the refrigerator to get some ice. The ice is stuck in the dispenser so I open the fridge. After unclogging the dispenser, I notice all the old food that needs to be tossed and how dirty the shelves are. So I empty all the shelves and clean out the fridge. After putting everything back, I have to take out the overflowing garbage. As I'm throwing it out back, I notice the 6 bags of garbage on the back porch (instead of in the garbage cans outside), so I put on my boots and take all those bags outside to their proper place. After I walk back inside, I see the cat glaring at me from the top basement step, so I go downstairs to give her fresh food. While I'm there, I empty the dryer and put those clothes away, and put a new load in the washer. As I'm heading back up the stairs, exhausted from the last 20 minutes of work, I wonder what I was doing in the first place...and then I see my empty glass on the counter.

Sometimes I wish I could have the mindset of my husband or my kids, who can just walk into the kitchen, grab the last  clean glass from the cupboard, get a drink of water, and sit down and rest.